What does God really think?

                 I know this post is all over the place, but I have alot of thoughts on this and it's one of those topics that is extremely difficult to get out without offending someone, or having other's get the wrong message. I'm sorry in advance.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but I was raised Catholic. My parents sent us to Catholic Schools and made sure we were at church every Sunday (or Saturday night). For awhile, they even made sure we never wore jeans or shorts to church..EVER..then when we switched parishes and there was no air conditioning that quickly changed. As we got old we chose to go to church on our own at the time that fit us each better. This mainly was because my parents wanted to go to the early masses and HELL-O kids don’t want to get up early for church. I can proudly say I did go to church and even took my little sisters with me when my mom and dad were working. I lectured in the church when I was in middle and high school and I volunteered for a lot of church and school related activities. I even attended the “optional” church services like the last supper re-enactment, Good Friday services, Holy Thursday, etc—WITHOUT my parents making me. I really loved going to church and learning things about the faith.

                I’m not going to lie when I say that today things are a little different. I still have strong beliefs in the Catholic Church, but certain things I question and I can’t see past. Maybe it’s because I married someone who wasn’t catholic, maybe it’s because I’m older and have a deeper thought process. I really don’t know. I still believe in God and I most definitely believe in prayer and that while God gives you free will, he inevitably is in control. The question I constantly am contemplating is, can you still be catholic if you don’t agree with EVERY single teaching of the church. I mean really do ALL Catholics participate in abstinence because the church teaches that pre-marital sex is a sin and we shouldn’t do it? I think premarital sex, personally is a choice an individual makes for their own feelings of self worth, for the spouse they WILL someday marry. I didn’t do it because the church tells us not to, I do it because I want to feel good about myself and my decisions.  Another thing that baffles me about the church is birth control. The church says using birth control is wrong, yet they preach about NFP (Natural family planning, which is essentially birth control-if you do it right). I thought the church teaches us that God created man and woman to pro-create and preventing that from happening is a sin. I am constantly asking myself am I a sinner because I chose to use BC when I was in college for health reasons? Am I sinner because I chose to use some sort of birth control after  my first child was born because, umm yea there was no way we, as new parents could handle or afford two babies at once… Am I a sinner because we used some sort of birth control when my husband was laid off for over a year because he wasn’t bringing in any income? I mean really, if you count all the things I’ve done wrong in this situation I’m surely going to hell, or at least taking up some poor priests entire Saturday in the confessional. These are a few of the things that baffle me with the Catholic Church. Why can’t I believe in god, pray to him, teach my children about him and continue to live my life as a good person, helping others and so forth and not be considered as constantly sinning? I do agree with the church that life is precious and that God created man and woman to pro-create, but if he did this, than why did he create some people unable to conceive? One may argue that it’s because he has a bigger plan—like adoption for all the children out there who need good parents. But really, why is there so many stipulations? The church is becoming so contradictory to me. I strongly feel like there are certain things that don’t need to play a part in the church.  Abortion, pre-marital sex, birth control, co-habitating before marriage, etc. are PERSONAL choices, and any person who was raised in the Catholic Church I feel should already have good morals and will make the decision that they feel is right for them.  It shouldn’t be considered a sin when you make a personal decision.  God gave us free will, I sometimes wonder why we are sinners for using it.  Lastly, why am I a sinner if I miss mass? Is praying at church and reading the scriptures at church the only way I can show God I’m a follower? I can do BOTH at home. This doesn’t mean we should NEVER go to church, but I think it’s kind of a stretch to say you are sinning by not giving up ONE hour of your Sunday for God.

                I’m Catholic and I don’t care if others don’t think I should be classified as that for whatever reason. Yes, I’ve used BC, yes I lived with someone before I got married, no, I don’t go to church every Sunday, yes I’m against Abortion but will sometimes vote for a candidate for presidency if they support it because there are MORE issues than just Abortion when it comes to an election, but I will never stop believing in God, I will never stop teaching my children about God and his works. I will go to church, and I will still voice my opinion on how ANTI-abortion I am and I will use BC if I chose to for whatever reason, because the church is there for guidance and support not to make my personal decisions for me. I will continue to give to others and put others first. I will continue praying because I know God has the final say.  I will continue to lean on God and his teachings EVERYDAY not just on days I am down or feel like I need a little help.  I will continue to be a good person and isn’t that being a Christian is all about?